- "They can take our lives, BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!"
- —The True Scotsman
Other than butchering the Scottish accent and culture, this character is known for derailing the entire discussion for at least 30 seconds at a time. It is unknown why Paul feels the need to use this character, as he can usually derail the conversation easily enough on his own.
The True Scotsman's true name is Paul. Little known to the world is that Paul holds perhaps the greatest burden known to any unemployed, obese, 30-something man who subsists entirely on microwaved burritos. For centuries, a legendary mantle has been passed down from jowl to jowl through Paul's extraordinarily high cholesterol bloodline. Until now, his secret lay dormant in his dark, anal cyst-ridden past. But, now, after a furious battle of the pseudo-philosophical dweebs between him and The Vigilant Christian, the true, kilt-wearing, haggis-loving, golf playing, bagpipe-playing beast within his saturated fat insides; has awakened! Behold, the pasty, tartan Titan, that is, The True Scotsman!
Faster than the expiration date of his own nacho-cheese, wittier than the average
nobody schmuck with a 40 dollar webcam, more xenophobic than H.P. Lovecraft handing out anti-race mixing pamphlets at a joint KKK/Neo Nazi rally while voting for George Wallace, pastier than Frosty The Snowman's anal cavity after a 3-week blizzard, possessing jowls that make Mama June look like an anorexic, and clad in more Tartan cloth and man hair than Cousin Itt in Edinburgh on April 6th. He is... The True Scotsman!