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The Beast

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"If I don't get a beautiful girlfriend like you, I'm givin' up."
―The Beast, before becoming beyond desperate

Joseph Edward Strickland (born February 20, 1991), also known as The Beast or Mike the Man with the Monster Cock, is the human embodiment of diuhbetus and creator of the now-deceased, and never once popular, YouTube channel, Joseph8276. He bears a striking resemblance to what the lovechild of TJ, Brett Keane and Kevin James' dumpster baby would look like.

Description

Despite looking and acting like an insufficiently-raised teenager, the Beast considers himself a badass, old-school gangster and an experienced arbiter of wisdom who dispenses unwanted relationship advice like a 400lb agony aunt and talks about "back in the day" as if he's lived long enough for that to be a thing for him. He makes the same points over and over again in-between brief intervals where he momentarily loses his train of thought and pauses before continuing to spew the same inane shit - in case we missed it the first few times. He is especially fond of giving advice on how women should choose their partners, despite having never dated anybody outside of his "facebook girlfriend". His channel hasn't witnessed an upload in nearly 2 years now, but his drawn-out and tedious content still lives on.

His stupid, pathetic, and somewhat sexist ramblings has been reviewed on the Drunken Peasants occasionally.

He's currently going to court for possessing child pornography, like Jared without the weight loss. Apparently, the beast was not being rejected by girls his own age. 

History

"Why would girls like attractive guys? Why would that even make sense?"
―Yeah, why would people prefer to date people they find attractive? The madness of it all![src]

The Beast was bullied for the most of his childhood from daycare through to high school. People would call him fat, asswipe, asshole, fucker, dickrod, dickwit etc. He even got called a "nigga". Bitch, that's a compliment.

In junior year, the Beast started a "potato movement" which consisted of him persistently uttering the word "potato" for some reason despite hating doing it, which then led to people calling him that. The Beast was a player from a young age who would often hit on girls in his class, whom he stayed attracted to, despite his age. Of course, that was the girls' fault. As a teenager, the Beast had an emo phase and didn't like it when people denied his emo-ness. He then abandoned this style to become a gangster, despite being an obese, white kid who is kept afloat by government checks with no desire to ever get a job or do anything that required more physical effort than talking. This gangster shit involved a lot of Diamond snapbacks, handkerchief scarves, and baggy sweatpants that even looked too tight for the likes of him. The Beast's love of gangster style festered his hate of swag style which he deems is trying to imitate gangster without merit and thus should be destroyed (or constantly bitched about.)

All jokes aside, The Beast is the living embodiment of pure infinite testosterone. Scotty once attacked TJ, live, for stupidly inferring that The Beast might be putting on a facade. Scotty justly defeated TJ, shouting "The Beast fo' life!" and messing up his mic. If Stanley Kubrick directed the Terminator he would have cast The Beast. His hobbies include shredding underage bitches in half with his giant monster cock and trying to revive the dead art of summertime barbeques. His life goal is to inform the universe that "Size does matter" and that [his] "Size doesn't matter". Linguists have spent decades analyzing The Beast's videos but Joseph is the master of subtlety - perhaps the only thing he's a master of.

On Drunken Peasants

Drunken Peasants Highlights - The BEAST01:31:06

Drunken Peasants Highlights - The BEAST

An almost-complete collection of the Beast's appearances on the show

The Beast first appeared on episode 77 where he demanded that women "lower their standards" and date ugly guys with good personalities, but we all know that he wants a girl with big tits and a big ass (now it seems like he would prefer a little girl). He complained about how women have standards that are insurmountable, yet simultaneously choose to date "trash". Interesting. The Beast admitted that he isn't the best-looking guy, despite the peasants assuming he was a modern Adonis upon first glance.

Due to the positive reception garnered by his first appearance (most likely due to his raw sex appeal), The Beast returned in the following podcast where he talked about how his "facebook girlfriend" is proof that he can indeed get a real girlfriend. He then warned the trolls who spread false death rumours about him that he and his facebook girlfriend will fuck them up if they keep leaving mean comments.

The Beast made another appearance in episode 79 when people started speculating that the Beast is a member of Brett Keane's family. The Beast gave some credence to this theory when he made another video threatening to destroy anyone (by presumably eating them) who continues to disrespect his 15 year old brother and his family in general. The Beast's message was so threatening and believable that the peasants warned Brock Lesnar that he has a new competitor who he can't beat. The peasants commanded that the audience screenshot the Beast in the video and send it to Lesner under the hashtag #TrueBeast

The Beast gave us some insight into his expertise in gangsta subculture in episode 81 after some swagfag in his comment section committed the egregious sin of typing #OutWithTheOldInWithTheNew. The Beast then rambled about how old school will always beat new school and how Tupac is a better rapper than Lil' Wayne. This was the first of the several points he made in his video, though the peasants didn't watch all of it because you can only handle so much of the Beast before gouging your eyes out jizzing your pants.

The Beast showed off his new hair cut in episode 89 when he lamented on how he'll probably never get his stubby hands on an attractive woman to be his girlfriend. He talked about how he'd look at attractive girls (possibly from outside the window of a local preschool) and never get them because they always pick assholes over him, channeling Stefan Molyneux. He then asked for any attractive girls willing to date the likes of him to send him a message. If that doesn't work, he officially gives up.

The Beast vented his disdain for hipster trends in episode 91, policing what terminology they can or cannot use. He once again spoke out against trolls commenting "RIP Joseph" after 2 days of not posting videos. He then said that he's grown past the point of judging people which would probably equal no more videos since that's all he does. Moving on, he once again gave his amazing dating tips wherein he at least lowers his standards enough to date women of any size, of course demanding the same for women who he believes should be open to dating someone "a few extra pounds" or "semi-big" as he describes himself. This video was the birth of his inspirational slogan "SIZE DOESN'T MATTER!".

The Beast returned in episode 117 to dispense some advice on how to spend one's summer holidays. He complained about how people no longer have barbeques and pool parties where they eat hotdogs and shit, opposed to just staying inside all the time and playing video games as they do now. Very interesting coming from someone who looks like he's never been out of the house, or even has the capacity to physically exit the premise. The Beast rambled on and on about the same fucking point that could be summed up with the first 2 sentences of this paragraph.

The Beast aired out his grievances about swag fags in episode 120. Knowing that this would be an absolute waste of time, TJ and Scotty got into a bitchfight instead seconds into the video and moved onto something else when they finished.

The Beast returned in episode 124 in a video that was basically a tired retread of his previous dating advice videos that consisted of him whining and bitching about how women should stop dating good-lookin' bad boys and lower their goddamn standards and yada yada yada. He even said that women should date guys who are as boring as his videos because at least they'll look after them. And of course, SIZE DOESN'T MATTER!

Ben expressed an interest in getting the Beast on the show and maybe help him find a girlfriend once and for all.

In episode 127, The Beast has taken a break from ranting and raving about women dating the wrong guy to briefly give his condolences to the Ultimate Warrior, before proceeding to rant and rave about women dating the wrong guy. Oh, boy.

The Beast released a controversial video in episode 140 that he predicted would get a lot of hate. The video in question consisted of him, once again, bitterly telling women and men how to choose their partners and how to treat to them. Well, fuck-a-doodle-doo.

The Beast made another appearance in episode 143 looking like he just caught syphilis in a video surprisingly not intent on complaining about women's standards. He presented a rap which sounded more like a series of nearly-inaudible muffles and mumbles. The peasants only played his 9 minute video for less than an single minute.

Since the video was played in lieu of the Beast's sexual offense charges coming to light, the peasants said they might not play his videos anymore. Bummer.

Prior to The Beast's "swag" phase, he went through an emo phase. On episode 200, the Drunken Peasants played a video where he sang some shitty song and had had long hair (Just like TJ).

Personality

"I really deserve a hot girlfriend. I really do. But you have to make up for the fact that you're lacking things."
—He is a feminist's worst nightmare

Prior to his prison sentence, the Beast hosted a series titled "Joe's Real Rants" which is a perfect look into the darkest recesses of humanity. The video series in question basically consists of him complaining about things that fit into the lowest common dominator of first world problems. He primarily talks about the perceived problems of relationships and women which is just a cheap excuse to air out his insecurity over his inability to find a partner, that is due in no small part for his desire for nothing less than an above-average girl with a smokin' hot body and a personality to match, but claims they lack in the latter because they tend to date "bad guys" eg not him. He actually bitches about not having a super-sexy girlfriend, yet condemns those very same women for choosing guys they find attractive that he has generalized as all bad. He even views this as a failure of society because he can't get a girlfriend despite being a "good guy" (his proof being that he won't accept sex on the first date), and has the audacity to say that he'll stridently reject any woman who drinks or does drugs as if that's some sacrifice any woman would be willing to make just to get their hands on the miniature appendage hidden within his folds of excess flesh. He never once considers that his lack of dates is in no way the fault of the women he wants, but is actually the result of him being a self-obsessed, arrogant, judgmental, morbidly obese, immature man-child who spend his hours musing about the most pettiest shit imaginable.

The Beasts presents his rants as if he has some real authority on how you should live your life whilst acting in a way that looks almost intentionally trying to be as pitiful and feeble as possible.

Da Wisdom of Da Beast

"If you people think I'm being a comedian, you get this big fuckin' middle finger."
—Because bitching and moaning about meaningless shit that nobody gives two fucks about is hilarious!
BeastAdviceColumn

The world-famous advice column that never happened.

To truly understand the intricacies of the Beast's mind is nothing short of a fruitless task, mainly because his videos are nothing short of an absolute chore to sit through. These pearls of wisdom usually come into 2 categories: Swag and Women.

"Swag" and "Swag fags" are the jews to The Beast's Hitler. He talks about them as if they're delinquents who are ruining society and need to be eradicated. He pretty much complains about how their clothing and music preferences do not align with his own, and that's some big societal problem that needs a movement to remedy it.

The women stuff ranges from common-sensical to blatantly sexist and chock full of generalizations. He's apparently under the impression that women don't already understand that dating guys that are bad for them, are bad for them.

Below is an overview of all the Beasts talking points (P.S. a lot of skipping and "oh, fuck"s were involved to salvage these factoids).

His wisdom on swag:
"There is no humanity in swag fags!"
—Yes, he takes it that seriously.
  • "Swag" = Bad
  • "Style" = Good
  • "Swag" isn't about style, but falls under 2 things:
    • an ornamental festune of flowers, fruit or greenery - Thanks to a google search
    • A word used by a group of men in the 1960's to acknowledge that they were secretly gay, and went to secret parties ("gay bars"). Thusly, SECRETLY WE ARE GAY!!
  • Supras and high tops are not swag, even though Justin Bieber wears them. They are "style".
  • Style is a word that should be used more often.
  • He is the leader of the "Anti-Swag Corperation" where he profusely tells people how much he isn't swag
  • The Ballin' Elite Extraction Force (B.E.E.F) is a movement started by the Beast to fight the takeover of swag and see the return of old school
  • Hip Hop and Rap industry has gone under because of the influence of swag
  • Swag fags listen to music from artists (Lil' Wayne, Nicki Minaj, Soulja Boy and Justin Bieber) he doesn't like and are thus not real gangsters
  • Swags fags wear skinny jeans. Real men don't wear skinny jeans
  • Real gangsters wear sweat pants from Walmart, because sweat pants actually fit him
  • Obey is the worst brand of hats and Diamond is super-gangster because they have one-size fits all hats.
  • He hates seeing swag fags wear Diamond hats and openly demands that they take it off and give it to him
  • Eminem is good
  • Lil' Wayne (aka Lil' Wang) is bad, but he liked Tha Carter
  • Justin Bieber is bad because he takes his shirt off and now lives in the USA
  • Emo is bad. Joseph used to be one
  • The Beast will support Tupac until the day he dies (like sometime this year)
  • Tupac, dead or alive, will always be the best rapper ever

His wisdom on women:

  • "Good Guys" = Good
  • "Bad Guys" = Bad
  • Women should want guys that are good for them
  • A "Good Guy" looks after you to make up for being unattractive and unexciting
  • There's no point in trying to change a bad guy/thug/bad thug
  • Relationships don't need a bunch of drama to make things interesting
  • Guys that are mean to them are not boyfriend material
  • Guys that are abusive, cheating, steal from you or alcoholic are not worth staying around with
  • Guys who stay out all night are okay
  • Guys who stays out of all night without you are bad
  • Guys who don't work nor desires to are okay. Joseph falls under that category
  • The Beast will lose his shit if the relationships of the current generation do not meet his standards
  • Women don't need "the D"
  • Women are ignorant and stupid for not dating the good guy
  • Women superficially look for "image"
  • Women should stick to the "good guy"
  • "Good thugs" is worth dating. Joseph falls under that category
  • Boring guys should be desired
  • The Beast deserves a super sexy girlfriend because he is allegedly nice
  • The Beast deserves a super sexy girlfriend with a personality because he is allegedly nice
  • Sexy women aren't entitled to their own preferences regarding men because it's always bad for them
  • Men who women actually find attractive are all bad for them
  • He's not hypocritical in regards to standards because women's standards are unreasonable and his aren't, for some reason
  • Size doesn't matter. In case you forgot


I will now summarize the cultural significance and relevance of every word he has ever uttered:


NO ONE CARES

Going To Jail

You know all those attractive girls the Beast perpetually bitches about having high standards? As it turns out, the Beast's standards are so low that they didn't even need to be out of preschool for him to want to get in their pants. In an unforeseen turn of events, the Beast was arrested in 2015 for the production, distribution and possession of child pornography, straight from October 2014 to January 2015. The Beast was taken to court on Aug 31st of 2015 to enter pleas. [1] When asked why he committed these heinous crimes revolving around small children, he replied:

"Size doesn't matter."
—The Beast

The Beast pleaded "not guilty" and his trial is scheduled for October 25, 2016. [2]

  • The Beast loves the kids.
  • The Beast's mugshot
  • The Beast showing his love for kids on Twitter.


Regardless, there's no need to fear (or even care) for the Beast's safety in the big house. He'll surely thrive in a prison environment outside the comfort of his dead mother's home. He is a gangster, after all. We know because he tells us and wears high-tops and Walmart sweat pants to prove it. All those burly inmates will likely cowry in fear of the Beast's threatening demeanor, and will definitely not beat the shit out of him senseless as you would expect from the fate of imprisoned sex offenders.

Quotes

  • "Size doesn't matter."
  • "Troll another autistic person. Don't troll me."
  • "Size doesn't matter."
  • "I'm a regular person."
  • "Just go have a barbecue and sit on your porch!"
  • "No one has barbecues anymore!"
  • "I'm fat and ugly."
  • "Just go sit on your porch, have some drinks uhhh, have conversations with family and maybe a few friends"
  • "Yes, I'm eating hotdogs"
  • "Size doesn't matter"
  • "Stop leaving R.I.P. comments."
  • "Girls, lower your standards."
  • "Women, stop being difficult."
  • ''Stop going out with trash guys.''
  • ''I may not be the best looking.''
  • ''If you want a good guy, find the ones that aren't so attractive.''
  • "Stop disrespecting my friends and family."
  • ''Ladies, why would you want what is bad for you.''
  • ''I know what real love is.''
  • ''You need a good guy.''
  • ''You need me, hot ladies.''
  • "Size doesn't matter"
  • "Es kommt nicht auf die Größe an"
  • ''Ladies of Sidney, Nova Scotia, Canada. If you get hurt by a bad guy, one of those swag faggots, come to me.''
  • ''Get a real guy.''
  • ''I'm a very nice guy.''
  • ''Ladies, you need a real man.''
  • "Maybe I'm semi-big, but size doesn't matter"
  • "I may be a little ugly."
  • "Work hard, play hard."
  • "I have a few extra pounds."
  • "Size doesn't matter
The Beast's Girl.

If you look like this contact The Beast IMMEDIATELY! Also have a personality I guess.

Trivia

  • Size doesn't matter.
  • He has autism. Didn't expect that shock of all shocks.
  • Despite looking like a fifteen year old, he's actually 24 (though he probably has the health of a sixty year old).
  • He legitimately has autism which most likely explains his slurred speech and frequent pauses.
  • The Beast's channel has been dormant for over a year, presumably because he is too busy getting laid constantly to post another video.
  • His account has since been hacked, with the hacker doxxing all of the Beast's info and dick pics. In the dox, it says The Beast is bisexual, which doesn't match up with his dating profiles. The person who dropped his docs probably did this because he thought it was funny.
  • His channel will be completely dormant as he will not be allowed to use the internet due to Canadian law.
  • He rejects the title of being a swag fag, describing himself as old school.
  • He is actually the son of Brett Keane.
  • It is well-known that any woman that enters his sphere of gravity cums instantly.
  • He skipped grade 4 because he was too smart.
  • Joseph challenged Brock Lesnar for the title of The Beast. Lesnar was dealt a devastating defeat.
  • He's never had a girlfriend. How surprising...
  • The Beast is the nicest guy ever but girls just won't grow up.
  • He believes scene kids, emo kids, and swag fags deserve to get raped in prison.
  • The Beast values barbecues, sitting on porches and stop playing video games.
  • Size doesn't matter.
  • The Beast requires three minutes to contemplate his next point in mid conversation.
  • He complains that people are too lazy to go to the park, while he sits around making videos and eating hot dogs.
  • It is common for The Beast to fall asleep in between words during his videos.
  • He is the reason why there are starving children in the world.
  • He is most likely dead now due to drowning in pussy.
  • "The Chronicals Of Swag" still uploads his old videos, as it's a parody account.
  • His Facebook page is just pictures of cars.
  • He bears a striking resemblance to Brett Keane, both physically and mentally which has led to speculation over whether he's Brett Keane's son.
  • The Beast is best friends with Scoopy.
  • He shares the name of a Catholic bishop.
  • He is most likely going to get raped in jail (not because of his crimes, but his sexiness).
  • Despite his crimes, he's still a nice guy.
  • Whether they're a kid or an adult, their size doesn't matter.
  • The Beast eats more in a day than the entire population of Nigeria eats in a year.
  • He actually prides himself on the fact that he receives a government check, rather than earning a crust like everyone else.
  • He does cover songs where he at least admits he needs vocal work, but needs way more than that. For instance, he needs to learn how to properly enunciate words so it doesn't sound like he's singing mumbles to himself. It's pathetic and hilarious at the same time.
  • According to one of his hats he has, The Beast is "High Class".
  • Like TJ, he was born on February 20th.
  • His fingers look like sausages cut in half.
  • The Beast created a new form of rap called "mumble-rap".
  • The Beast is a main character in a Disney play, Beauty and the Beast.
  • He posted a dick pic that's linked on his channel. Why? How is that something he would ever think people would want to see?
  • His role model is Jared Fogle, except for how Jared lost all those pounds (because size does not matter).
  • The Beast is also a very beautiful singer, more accomplished than Marvin Gaye Jr.
  • But most importantly:"Size doesn't matter"

Gallery

  • True form.
  • thumb|Da Beast's ridiculous standards.
  • Da Beast showing how gangsta he is.
  • The Beast after robbing a Train.
  • The beast in his ISIS recruiting outfit.
  • The Beast's dating profile.
  • Showing off some beast swag.
  • Da Beast enjoys a glass of fine wine.
  • Da Beast's "badass" haircut.
  • The handless beast
  • Best in full form.
  • Drink Pepsi bro!
  • So hardcore he'll piddle your kid.
  • UNLEASH THE BEAST
  • Fuck swag fags!
  • The Beast after seeing a naked girl that lowered her standards
  • Work hard play hard

Appearances

References

  1. https://archive.is/HHWtG
  2. www.capebretonpost.com/News/Local/2015-11-23/article-4352817/Accused-from-Lingan-Road-enters-not-guilty-pleas/1

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