- "So he had to go to the doctor and get a stitch in his scrotum because he cut a diamond shaped chunk of nut sack open."
- —A line from one of Paul's stories.
Stories In Order Of Appearance
- Rupturing a cyst on his ass. (Episode 154)
- Fart stories. (Episode 157)
- Getting carjacked and dumped naked into a field somewhere. (Episode 160)
- Getting his ass beat over a trumpet. (Episode 163)
- Music from Paul's childhood band. (Episode 165)
- Brett Keane goes to shit. (Episode 166)
- The time Paul's old roommate cut his sack open. (Episode 167)
- Getting ass raped by a drunk friend. (Episode 170)
- Shoving a cheeseburger in his cunt sister's face. (Episode 173)
- Crying because of annoying sisters. (Episode 176)
- Trolling on a CB radio and almost getting criminally charged. (Episode 179)
- Stories of his uncle in Vietnam. (Episode 181)
- Scamming people in a role-playing game. (Episode 184)
- A dog orally pleasures his girlfriend. (The New and Improved Drunken Peasants)
- Selling porn magazines and getting a toy screwdriver shoved up his ass. (Episode 190)
- Falling asleep while eating pussy. (Episode 192)
- Nearly fucking his 3rd cousin. (Episode 196)
- Nearly getting fisted by his grandpa. (Episode 200)
- Stories of acid trips. (Episode 203)
- Living with roaches. (Episode 207)
- Looking at Beyond Phere's "mounds." (Episode 210)
- not losing his Virginity at a Goth Houseparty/Orgy(Toledo Drunken Peasents Meetup)
Example Story (Episode 167)
I was having a bad day one night, and I was living with a couple of guys. We were all sharing the rent in this little condo and I was having a really bad week, actually. I came home on Friday and Saturday was my day off, I managed to cop some really good pan. I wanted nothing more -- Now my roommates were part of the problem, they were driving me fucking nuts, right? Having to deal with their bullshit.
Just to give you an idea on the mental antiquities of the guys I'm talking about: one of them one time, we told him he needed to start trimming his balls, and he went upstairs with a pair of scissors and cut a hole in his nut sack so big... -Peasants break into laughter-
Let me digress and tell that story. He comes home one night and he come lumbering into the room, we're all sitting in the living room when he comes home and we're all stoned and watching a movie or something. He comes walking in, and he's got this shirt on, this like Abercrombie & Fitch shirt on that's like three sizes too small for him. everybody's just staring at him as he walks in. He walks in front of the TV and starts to go upstairs.
One of my friends Sean who was watching TV goes "Hey there tiny shirt!" and everybody lost their shit. He was like, "What? It looks good" and we went "No dude, we can see your rolls and shit it's not a good look." That same night we were talking to him, he had a girlfriend and he was like "So-and-so", I can't remember her name, "So-and-so doesn't want to go down on me, she says it smells, all the time."
I was like "Do you clean up your situation down there?" and he was like, "What do you mean clean it up?" I was like, "Do you shave your balls and your dick? Do you shave your pubes a little bit? You, you clean it up?" He was like "No man, girls to that!" and I was like "Dude no no no, you need to trim your pubes, you'll get blowjobs" and he was like, "Ok... I'll think about it." I didn't see him do it, but he went into the kitchen and got the fucking kitchen scissors, went upstairs to the bathroom about ten minutes later I hear. I shit you not I hear. -Paul then shouts an ungodly sound at the top of his voice-
I'm going "What the fuck?" I jump off of the couch, everybody leaps up off of couch and my roommate comes running down the stairs with his pants off, cradling his balls in his hands. He said and I quote, "I CUT MY SACK OPEN!" and I said "You did what?!" and he was like "I was trying to trim my balls and I cut my sack open!" and I said "What where you trimming with?" and he said "The kitchen shears." So he had to go to the doctor and get a stitch in his scrotum because he cut a diamond shaped chunk of nut sack open.