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Caiden Cowger

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"This is all about normalizing perversions of sex. So get ready."
―His stance on gay marriage.
Caiden Cowger (also known as Gayden Cowgirl and Caiden Cowcunt by PaulsEgo, as well as Caiden Rattesticles by Jim Ass) is the Drunken Peasants Podcast's equivalent to Phantom Menace Anakin Skywalker. He's a delusional little shit with a roman haircut, a massive victim complex, and a tendency to bitch and moan about trivial shit

Description

Caiden's also a right-wing political radio host and author (teenagers are known to write fanfiction) who believes Barack Obama wants to turn children gay because he has the audacity (common sense) to accept them for who they are. He often criticizes those who attack him by donning his grammar Nazi memorabilia and picking apart minor errors in "vocabulary" as he puts it, when in reality it's their grammar structure.

On DP

Episodes Featured

Resembling an embryonic Ted Cruz, Caiden is a homophobe who believes gay people do in fact have the right to marry; they can marry members of the opposite sex (because of course that's something a gay person would want to do). His videos have been played on occasion by the peasants, easily exploitable for his cringyness and bland delivery.

Episode 104

His first appearance took place on Episode 104 with Mercedes Carrera [1] in which he unsurprisingly made a huge cunt out of himself. DP suspects he is a closet homosexual because he's so against gay people. This episode features the running gag of making fun of his hairstyle. Caiden also tries to claim that the Democratic Party has a history of slavery, when it was a completely different party at the time.

Episode 127

He appeared again in Episode 127 where he cried about marriage equality as if the government is going to make him marry a dude. He goes on further to call homosexuals getting together unconstitutional, claiming it will set America down a dark and dangerous path.

Episode 146

He returned in Episode 146, where he spent a whole video sucking on the teats of Donald Trump by saying he should be immune to criticism. TJ brings up the obvious fact that people are only going after Trump because he's the Republican frontrunner and that Caiden shouldn't have his panties in a bunch. Caiden even tries to bring up the same old argument about Obama's supposedly falsified birth certificate, a conspiracy even Trump himself had to give up eventually.

Episode 182

He made an an appearance in Episode 182 where he tried to do a satirical review of the democratic debate. He tells some blatant lies about Bernie Sanders' beliefs and does a terribly unfunny impersonation. He goes on to give the same take you could get from pretty much any conservative commentator, but at least in his case you can look at his hair and laugh uproariously.

New and Improved ԀP

The peasants tore apart yet another of his video during The New and Improved Drunken Peasants. Paul and Pimpmunk cringed hard at his desperate attempts to become the next Rush Limbaugh. Caiden's actual video was about Syrian refugees and how he's afraid of a terrorist sneaking in, Paul completely obliterated him on the topic.

Episode 190

He was featured again in Episode 190, a video of his was played trying to defend Donald Trump yet again, but this time it was for him having rekt Ted Cruz. He tries to make himself sound important by talking about his friends in conservative radio. The entire video nearly caused the peasants to commit seppuku.

Episode 192

During Episode 192, the peasants played one of his videos complaining about two lesbians getting compensation for being denied service by a bakery, who claimed their life style went against their religious views. The peasants mocked his stupid fucking flag and noted how pissy he was on the issue. Jim Ass speculated he daydreams of Rush Limbaugh in a bikini.

Quotes

"The Bible says were supposed to use wisdom, Right?"
―If that's the case, then Caiden is a heretic. GET HIM!

Trivia

  • He is a Rush Limbaugh wannabe.
  • He wrote a book called "Being A Young Conservative." Yep, that's the kind of shit this guy peddles.
  • Despite being a hardcore conservative, he wears French-Canadian shirts.
  • His fanboyism has earned him the title of The Teenage Rush Limbaugh.
  • Has a poster of himself in his room so he jerk off to his likeness. Apparently, he doesn't know what a fucking mirror is.
  • Hasn't finished puberty, but he's further along than G Man.
  • His hairline is receding faster than a fucking tide on the beach.
  • He's terrible at his job.
  • He's possibly asexual. [[2]]
  • He has his shitty website open during "broadcasting".
  • His hair is photo shopped.

Gallery

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